Joe Paterno: Young enough to coach a top D-1 program, too old to text message

Joe Paterno is an 80-something year-old crack-pot that a legitimate school entrusts with a multi-million dollar budget, a football team and the integrity of the institution. Oh yeah, and he's a ball-busting asswipe.


I shouldn't have to explain why an 80-year-old who hasn't called a play in years while seeing his team flounder in the middle of the Big 10 -- itself a dwindling conference -- is an asswipe, but here it goes:


Bob Ley and his ruthless gang of thugs at Outside the Lines decided to pay a visit to Happy Valley where 27 PSU football players have been found guilty of 45 counts since 2002. What's amazing though is that the school doesn't actually seem to be doing jack shit about the problem. In some instances Paterno -- who for some backass reason was in charge of punishing a group of his own players -- reduced punishments to a single day of trash cleanup at the stadium. In other cases he punished players by forcing them to change his colostomy bag (maybe not true... maybe).


Most of the crimes are typical college shit -- girls starting fights that guys end up finishing (unless you went to some queer hippie school where problems get solved with a campfire, a drum circle and a didgeridoo). There were also some sexual assault cases and things of that nature, which really goes without saying seeing as this is D-1 Athletics. I mean, show me a team without any sexual assaults and I'll show you Temple Football.


Anyway, JoePa (as he is known to people who don't mind losing football games) is accused of sending an incriminating text message to his team which explicitly told them not to speak to Judicial Affairs. The consequence of cooperation -- according to two players -- was banishment from the football team. (Sidenote: Where else can an 80-year-old white guy threaten a bunch of 20-something African-Americans without fear of repercussions?).


So how did JoePa deny the accusation? Duh -- by being evasive.


Joe: (In a low register) Somebody might have sent something... (Louder and in a much higher pitch) I've never sent a text message in my life!


Basically the infallible Joe Paterno can't confirm or deny whether or not someone from his staff sent a threatening text message to his players -- players that are supposed to be able to count on him. Instead he passes the buck on his assistants or whoever did send the text.


What really burns my biscuits about the text message thing is that Joe constantly is denying he is too old to coach a football team. Well, recruiting in this day and age depends on text messages and it seems to be the top form of communication in the college football community. So, if he has anything to do with the day to day operations of his team, he should be able to text or at the very least be able to instruct an assistant to do so for him.


Paterno also had trouble denying a claim that he attempted to speak with Judicial Affairs to persuade them to show leniency with his players.


Paterno: I never ever...(In a higher pitch) I tried to meet with the head of Judicial Affairs and she wouldn't meet with me and that's okay.


FYI: PSU is ranked #25 in the pre-season USA Today Poll. It's still unclear whether or not USA Today is ranking football teams or "best places to get stabbed."


Poll: How do you think the Nittany Lions will finish their season?


A). 6-6; No Bowl Appearance
B). 12-0 record in the Camp Hill Correctional Facility flag league
C). Barely above .500 after Paterno is replaced midseason by tag-team of Ki-Jana Carter and Curtis Enis before losing to FAU in the Capital One Bowl
D). Duh- in a blood orgy with Florida State which will be capped off by Paterno and Bobby Bowden lancing off each other's boyles


Results:
A). 25%
B). 25%
C). 2%
D). 78%


(Total Votes: 69)

WNBA is on to something

Rick Mahorn might have pushed Lisa Leslie to the ground on Tuesday night. Literally every person I know involved with the WNBA (Lisa Leslie, Michael Cooper, Candace Parker, Karl Malone's legitimate child -- Cheryl Ford, Rick Mahorn and Bill Laimbeer) was involved in this fight. It is 1-part 1989 NBA Finals (okay, Mahorn wasn't on the Pistons at that point) and 1-part foxy boxing.



Incredibly, Mahorn gets tangled with Leslie at one point and she ricocheted off of the former Bad Boy and down to the ground. Later she questioned why he had pushed her and he had this to say.


I'll be going over the footage with a fine tooth comb to decipher if A.) anyone's nipple popped out and B.) if anyone tounge kisses. It's moments like this I want to tinkle on Fat Stacey for having my balls removed by Dr. Coquetoasten.



Poll: Should any of the particpants be punished for finally getting the WNBA some media attention?


Yes: 0%
No: 95%
Shut up! I'm still nipple hunting: 4%

Too busy to vote -- Must call Rick Mahorn for a favor!: 1%


(total votes: 69)

Vikings want Favre, tampering charges

Things we can all agree on:


1.) Brett Favre would like to start for an NFL team next season
2.) The Vikings have at least considered the possibility of acquiring the Southern Miss. product.
3.) Learning an NFL offense, particularly for a quarterback, takes a lot of time and effort.
4.) There are rules against having discussions with one NFL team while being under contract with another.


With these four points in mind, how has Brett chosen to play his cards this offseason?

• He is delaying a petition to Roger Goodell that would force Green Bay to release him or add him to the active roster. By not making this move, Favre keeps himself out training camp which would be a good time to learn a new team's offense.
• Favre used his cell phone (which is provided by the Packers who also pay the bill) to call Vikings Head Coach, Brad Childress. The Vikings didn't get to add the Atlanta Falcon draft pick yet, but they have added tampering charges to the list of challenges they have for the upcoming season.

This is the guy that football writers are tripping over themselves to defend? Favre has had no less than 10 chances to avoid this exact situation and any indication that he is the victim is total horseshit. If Brett Favre is a victim, then I'm a tabby cat (I'm actually a tortoise shell, dumbass).

Kevin Hench prefers spousal abuse to cell phone calls

Foxsports.com isn't all bad. They get contributions from some pretty level-headed people -- Jason Whitlock for example. However, being a Newscorp property means once in awhile you have one Aryan Brother let loose on the real villains: minorities. When Kevin Hench penned the eagerly anticipated "Biggest Jerks of MLB's First Half" he accidentally wrote, "A list of minorities that gets my blood'a'boilin'!" Proof? Brett Myers is #10. The guy that called a reporter a "retard" and viciously abused his wife trails 8 minorities on the list. And what exactly did these guys do that is worse than any day in the life of Brett Myers? Al Reyes got drunk and Omar Minaya fired Willie Randolph by email (Hench also criticizes the Mets for playing in Flushing). Ozzie Guillien really is a jerk, but Hench thinks it's because he cursed at Chicago fans for being a bunch of Cub marks. Guillen is actually a jerk because he thinks Jim Thome doesn't bunt enough. Milton Bradley tried to go after an announcer that compared his problems unfavorably to a crack addict (read Alan Schwarz's kick-ass article on Bradley and Josh Hamilton). Manny Ramirez made a phone call during a pitching change and got in a scuffle when Kevin Youkilis acted like a child during a blowout Red Sox win. Barry Bonds, a player who is being blackballed by MLB, had charges added to his trial. As a baseball fan though, I think the GMs that refuse to sign Bonds are the real jerks. Not letting a guy play because your PR department doesn't want to deal with the press is not a good reason to avoid signing one of the best hitters to ever live. Alex Rodriguez became the first professional athlete to ever cheat on his wife (not that Hench has any proof) and Shaun Chacon threw a Houston Astros exec to the ground (I actually have no defense for this). The only white guy besides Myers (who is a wife beater) to be mentioned was Roger Clemens. The funny thing is, Clemens is being brow-beaten for taking steroids and lying, but not the revelation that he had a sexual relationship with a teenage girl in the 80s. I know the list is limited to the first half of this MLB season, but it seems like Myers punching his wife in the face could have a carry-over effect. I mean, Bonds being on here is clearly for past transgressions.

Sorry about this post. Not all columns are supposed to be funny

Rich, soft old man accuses younger men of being soft, rich

This might just be nitpicking, but Jack Nicklaus is complaining to the AP that many young golfers have opportunities today that he didn't have when he was on tour. He was essentially calling them soft, which is a real tough accusation for someone that played golf for a living.



Golf is by definition, soft. If you want to know how much of a man you are, go into your closet. While there, look to see how many golfing outfits you can put together. If the # is greater than .5 then you might not even have balls (it's okay, I don't either ).

Not my Balls =>


And of all people, I don't want to hear Jack Nicklaus complain that someone else makes too much money. That will give us all something to think about when we're playing for free on a course we designed.



Jack, no shit golfers make a lot of money. However, I wouldn't be so fast as to say a ton of dough makes John Daly soft. I think we all agree he would be soft no matter what. And what about Jack himself? Is he not the definition of soft? He's built like SNL's Pat.




In my opinion, Golf is a fad until baseball starts playing more day games. There, I said it.

Daily Asshole

Two things I avoid:

1.) The media's Brett Favre circle jerk

2.) Fox News

So it should have been easy for me to avoid Greta Van Susteren's interview with the former adulterous pain-killer addict, right?

Apparently not. ESPN, ESPN.com, and pretty much any other newservice is spinning their wheels over whether or not he takes his next dump in Minnesota or Wisconsin.

What's worse is that this has now become Fox's story. All of the sudden, Van Susteren is interviewing Rich Eisen and LeRoy Butler all while giving her favorite football player a backsided handy. I guess if you close your eyes, it sounds like Lou Holtz interviewing Favre until Van Susteren boasts, "Since 1960, almost every Sunday I have spent studying the Packers, so it is sort of my hidden expertise. I know [more] about the Packers then I do about probably anything else."

Come on. This is a hardcore news channel. If she doesn't know more about Brad and Angelina's kids than the Packers, she just isn't doing her job.

Favre is the larger asshole in this situation because he has been dragging this shit out for five years. Fox News, and by extension, everyone that is recycling all of this Favre crap, is just as bad.

The real story here is that Brett Favre feels he is above battling for the starting QB job and the media loves to defend a blond-haired blue-eyed Good Ole Boy.

Little bit about Bustopher

First off, I'm a cat. My obese owner (Fat Stacey) adopted me into her lonely life for entertainment value between bags of bugles. My days were spent hiding from her Cheeto stained fingers behind the couch with her toenail clippings.

Then one magical day, the office of unemployment decided that obesity was no longer a reason for a person to receive weekly checks and Fat Stacey (FS) had to return to her job as a greeter at Petco.

With time and freedom to roam around the apartment, I slowly began to watch tv, learn the English language, surf the internet, read Baseballprospectus.com and eventually start my own blog all without FS getting the first clue.

So this is my blog. It’s called Sports Teat because I have six nipples and give my readers plenty to suckle on. It's a good place to go if you want to read about sports, racist columnists, personal info about Mike Lupica, getting effed up on catnip and a lot of other things.

P.S. One time a doctor took my balls.