Joe Paterno: Young enough to coach a top D-1 program, too old to text message

Joe Paterno is an 80-something year-old crack-pot that a legitimate school entrusts with a multi-million dollar budget, a football team and the integrity of the institution. Oh yeah, and he's a ball-busting asswipe.


I shouldn't have to explain why an 80-year-old who hasn't called a play in years while seeing his team flounder in the middle of the Big 10 -- itself a dwindling conference -- is an asswipe, but here it goes:


Bob Ley and his ruthless gang of thugs at Outside the Lines decided to pay a visit to Happy Valley where 27 PSU football players have been found guilty of 45 counts since 2002. What's amazing though is that the school doesn't actually seem to be doing jack shit about the problem. In some instances Paterno -- who for some backass reason was in charge of punishing a group of his own players -- reduced punishments to a single day of trash cleanup at the stadium. In other cases he punished players by forcing them to change his colostomy bag (maybe not true... maybe).


Most of the crimes are typical college shit -- girls starting fights that guys end up finishing (unless you went to some queer hippie school where problems get solved with a campfire, a drum circle and a didgeridoo). There were also some sexual assault cases and things of that nature, which really goes without saying seeing as this is D-1 Athletics. I mean, show me a team without any sexual assaults and I'll show you Temple Football.


Anyway, JoePa (as he is known to people who don't mind losing football games) is accused of sending an incriminating text message to his team which explicitly told them not to speak to Judicial Affairs. The consequence of cooperation -- according to two players -- was banishment from the football team. (Sidenote: Where else can an 80-year-old white guy threaten a bunch of 20-something African-Americans without fear of repercussions?).


So how did JoePa deny the accusation? Duh -- by being evasive.


Joe: (In a low register) Somebody might have sent something... (Louder and in a much higher pitch) I've never sent a text message in my life!


Basically the infallible Joe Paterno can't confirm or deny whether or not someone from his staff sent a threatening text message to his players -- players that are supposed to be able to count on him. Instead he passes the buck on his assistants or whoever did send the text.


What really burns my biscuits about the text message thing is that Joe constantly is denying he is too old to coach a football team. Well, recruiting in this day and age depends on text messages and it seems to be the top form of communication in the college football community. So, if he has anything to do with the day to day operations of his team, he should be able to text or at the very least be able to instruct an assistant to do so for him.


Paterno also had trouble denying a claim that he attempted to speak with Judicial Affairs to persuade them to show leniency with his players.


Paterno: I never ever...(In a higher pitch) I tried to meet with the head of Judicial Affairs and she wouldn't meet with me and that's okay.


FYI: PSU is ranked #25 in the pre-season USA Today Poll. It's still unclear whether or not USA Today is ranking football teams or "best places to get stabbed."


Poll: How do you think the Nittany Lions will finish their season?


A). 6-6; No Bowl Appearance
B). 12-0 record in the Camp Hill Correctional Facility flag league
C). Barely above .500 after Paterno is replaced midseason by tag-team of Ki-Jana Carter and Curtis Enis before losing to FAU in the Capital One Bowl
D). Duh- in a blood orgy with Florida State which will be capped off by Paterno and Bobby Bowden lancing off each other's boyles


Results:
A). 25%
B). 25%
C). 2%
D). 78%


(Total Votes: 69)